Honesty & Appreciation are Key to Lasting Love

Canadians put honesty, appreciation ahead of roses in recipe for lasting love

CALGARY - If you want your marriage to Iast, accept that fresh-washed minivan as a sign of love instead of pining for pink roses.

Then again, maybe you need to emphasize a powerful sense of honesty to cultivate a great relationship.

The correct prescription would depend on your preference between two surveys released Friday. exploring the road to long-lasting love.

One healthy route, according to University of Calgary psychologist Susan Boon, is to acknowledge your mate may not show love the same way you do.

"You need to look at the intent .behind the action," said Boon, whose current research project asks couples to identify the characteristics that make or break long-term relationships.

"There are differences in how men and women express affection and love. If taking out the garbage is his way of expressing himself, there's a potential for misinterpretation."

While the Valentine's Day marketing machine that peddles chocolate and flowers has little to do with long-lasting love, it could spur some healthy reassessment, Boon said.

"It might be a good time of year to talk openly, to ask 'How do I express what I want? How do you show 'your feelings?"

The study asked 100 people to identify characteristics of both successful and unsuccessful relationships. Though the responses varied widely, there was a strong emphasis on the importance of chemistry and humour.

That came as no surprise for one of the young couples surveyed.

Brandon Rae and Tara Wunsch are, recently engaged. Long-time friends, they say they make each other laugh in a way no one else has.

"No matter what, she's the one who cheers me up," said Rae, 26.

In an argument, that shared humour helps the young couple keep their perspective.

"Everyone has fights, and if you end up laughing at the end of it, which we definitely do, that helps " Wunsch said.

In the findings of the Vanier Institute of the Family's national survey, honesty trumped all in choosing a lifemate.

The survey asked 2,093 Canadians about their hopes and dreams for family life and relationships. The work of University of Lethbridge sociologist Reginald Bibby, the survey was part of the recently released Future Families Project.

In that study, honesty ranked top at 23 per cent. Communication came in second at 20 per cent, followed by love, patience and respect at 12, 10 and eight per cent respectively.

The study also found 80 per cent of Canadians believe it's important to marry.

Marriage is most important for, Atlantic Canadians; 86 per cent of easterners said marriage was very or somewhat important, followed by 85 per cent of Prairie folk. Ontario, B.C. and Quebec followed with 83 per cent, 80 per cent and 67 per cent respectively.

Once we're married, as enjoyment drops and strain grows in the relationship, we won't have sex

much, the study found. But those Canadians with "lots of enjoyment and very little strain" are having sex at least once a week.